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Want to escape the big city and move to a small town?
Planning retirement or a serious midlife,
mid-career move?
Escaping crime, car alarms and a high cost of living?
Here are some Big Tips for your Small Town Move.
1. Each small town has a unique personality.
Do your research -- and don't stop with the internet. Talk
to people who live there. Ask who stays and who leaves.
2. Housing prices may surprise you.
Expecting a bargain? As retirees flood an area, prices rise,
especially if there are natural limits to expansion. If
prices are low and houses are hard to sell, the local rental
market will be tight.
3. Be prepared to be active in your new community.
Often friendships develop from belonging to groups: Chamber
of Commerce, churches, hiking -- whatever interests you.
Volunteering may be the norm.
4. Be self-sufficient.
"Know how to entertain yourself." That's what many small
town dwellers identify as the secret to small town
happiness.
5. Identify your "must haves" and be sure you will have
them.
Crave an occasional espresso? Fresh-baked bread? A nearby
shopping mall? Check your destination to see what's
available. Inevitably, there will be some wonderful options
you didn't expect -- and some favorites will be missing.
When predicting expenses, remember you may find
yourself driving three hours for a taste of sushi or a
sound of symphony.
6. Bring an independent source of income with you.
Jobs may be scarce. If you work for a local company, you may
have trouble finding a new job if something goes wrong. And
since people know each other, one mistake can get you
branded as "difficult" all over town.
7. Be flexible.
No matter how careful your research, you will have
surprises. It may never occur to you to ask, "Do you
have..." Customs vary widely when it comes to social life,
real estate transactions, and more.
8. Stay in touch with your previous life.
Use email and phone to stay connected to friends, family,
and even big city newspapers. Encourage friends to visit. In
the long run, you will probably get comfortable faster than
if you bury your past and try to "go it alone."
9. Do not anticipate that small town dwellers will be less
sophisticated.
Many newcomers are retirees, fleeing from big city life, and
others have lived and traveled all over the world.
10. A dog helps.
Your dog will enjoy the fresher air, slower pace
and larger yard. Your dog's happiness will be contagious.
And a dog is the best companion for long walks in the
countryside or around town as you explore your new home.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Cathy Goodwin, Ph.D. Author, Career Coach, Speaker
lives in small town of Silver City, New Mexico, USA
Author of Making the Big Move
*Fast Track to Career Freedom*
http://www.movinglady.com
505-534-4294
cathy@movinglady.com
--------
HOME FOR SALE FLORISSANT COLORADO
I was going through my notes from a Sociology of the Family
course and came across some lecture notes on long-term
marriages.
The study as described involved interviewing a number of couples
who had been together for 25 or more years (don't quote me that,
my note taking was not perfect, but I think this was the number
given). This was a relatively large, cross-cultural study based
in North America where at the time divorce rates averaged around
50 per cent overall. (See footnote)
After examining the interview data, these sociologists came up
with a list of what they considered to be common themes amongst
couples who had been together for a long time. Eight common
themes in long term marriages. (Love, with its varied meanings,
was not explicitly included as any of these eight themes as it
was taken
for granted that love at one or possibly lots of levels, was
already
built into the relationship.) If one takes these themes
seriously, it is
not hard to see how love is built into each one from the
very beginning.
1. Ability to change and to tolerate change in both the marriage
and the marriage partner.
The couples interviewed all seemed to be able to correct 'enroute to their marital goals. Both as individuals with
individual responsibilities to make the marriage work, and
within their partnership/relationship with each other as a single
unit.
Another noted quality here was one of being able to change the
self
first--with no expectations other than hopeful ones, that the
partner would change as well.
There seemed to be a consistent willingness to be flexible and
to accommodate the needs of the spouse. To put the other ahead
of the self when it was important enough. The perception here
seems to be, 'my spouse puts my needs ahead of hers/his more
often that I do.' When both partners think in this way, it
can't help but strengthen their bond of love and permanence.
This ability to be flexible and accommodating will be reflected
in the attitude and behavior of each individual. It means
knowing when to take a 'want to' have _____ (fill in your
appropriate response here) attitude from the partner or
relationship vs. 'have to' have approach. Without it, you have
what one psychologist calls "expectations raised to a high
level, only to be shattered by reality"--one that does not and
can not exist perfectly because we live in an imperfect world.
This brings us to a second theme…
2. Living with the unchangeable.
If you want to change others, first it is a good idea to change
yourself. However we are human and are all subject to our
own personal weaknesses, and perhaps always will be. So it
makes sense to learn what can and even what should be changed
in our significant other; whether it is important enough to be
changed, and whether the other even wants to change.
So what does this mean? It means first that there is usually
room on both sides of a long-standing issue for compromise. It
means there are no expectations of perfection--we can overlook
the flaws in character in our significant other because none
of us are perfect.
Living with the unchangeable--and this seems critical--means no
unresolved conflict. These couples talked it out, worked it out
somehow, or forgot about it. Period. Rather than use the past
as a template for their marital future, couples who shared a
lifetime together were willing to put the past behind by
learning from it, changing what they could, and moving on with
their lives together.
3. The assumption of permanence.
It would be interesting to see the statistics on newly married
couples and their individual assumptions of the permanence of
their marriage. This idea of being married for life carries
with it, at least within these couples, these common ideas:
a) A commitment to their significant other AND the institution
of marriage itself.
b) Divorce was not usually viewed as a means of escape--or even
an option.
c) Long term couples make a number of assumptions in this
regard: there is an assumption of compromise, a knowing how
there will be sacrifice by one or the other to the benefit of
the spouse and marriage.
The idea that the marriage 'must last' tends to tone down
the intensity of conflict. A kind of 'nobody is going anywhere',
so is this really worth all the conflict? A kind
of, "why be so upset about it since in the grand scheme of our
relationship, it really does not mean that much?"
Researchers also suggest how these couples also implicitly, and sometimes explicitly, understood how there would be ups and
downs. They are, after all, two different people with sometimes
differing needs and expectations. Stuff sometimes happens 'to'
us
and we have to live together with the consequences. It is, in
other
words, going to be a rough ride at times, but by assuming their
relationship
was a permanent one--that divorce was not going to happen--they
felt they were able to work with and work through both good
times and bad.
4. Trust.
High levels of trust--at many different levels--was another
consistent theme. In ratings of sexual expression, as sex only
within the marriage (monogamy), levels of intimacy that
included a social dynamic of 'back and forth' intimacy--trust is
critical. "I give to you, you to me, and we two, to the marriage
itself." For them, a longstanding trust in each other was
critical.
Significantly, trust is not viewed necessarily as an absolute.
Nor is it completely stable. There is a flexibility and an
accommodation to the other's needs. Perhaps this means that we
can trust each other while leaving what is better left unsaid,
unsaid? Trust was also viewed by spouses as giving a sense of
stability to their relationships.
5. A shared balance of power.
In our age of individualism and putting our own needs ahead of
group needs, we need to be more open to the idea of having more
power by sharing power. That said, these couples shared power
by being mutually dependent on each other. They respected their
spouse as an individual with individual wants, and needs. And
included in these needs was a need for each other. And a
knowing what each other needs, and how to give it.
I interpret this to mean that by asking for help, by being
vulnerable, by giving power to the significant other, we need not
feel a loss of our own power. If you give power away, it can,
paradoxically, make you more powerful. We are free to focus on
what we are good at--we feel stronger because we know we are not
alone--we know we do not have to control everything. We can
count on our spouse to be there to make up for our weak spots.
And we are there for them.
Sharing power does not remove our own personal responsibility
for our thoughts, feelings, and especially our actions.
6. Enjoyment of each other.
They talk at an intimate level, and share quiet moments together.
They genuinely do listen and respect each other. Their shared
values
bind them together as one. These couples remembered to laugh.
They enjoy their sexual relationship. They may not be openly
intimate but when alone, are quite warm and loving.
7. A shared history.
We are our life history. And a shared history involves thinking
in
terms of 'we' and 'us'. 'We' raised two great kids. Or 'we'
enjoyed
our vacation. Or 'we' have problems with our teenager. A
shared history would not include thinking that goes along the
lines
of: "what I do is my business". A shared history does include
a shared list of successes and failures. And, I think, it also
includes a
shared list of personal material objects as well as emotional
baggage.
Saying this is 'my' car is not the same as saying it is 'our'
car. This
does not mean every 'thing' has to be shared, but in terms
related to
the marriage itself, it is a shared experience.
8. The last theme is kind of surprising, but in a way, it
should be
obvious. The researchers brought it up because they had to.
They
kept hearing it.
It was said at every single long term marriage interview they
did: all couples said they were lucky to have found their mate.
And luckier still to continue to be together and have their mate
as a
life-partner. Indeed, the longer they were together, the luckier
they
felt they were.
Go figure.
Obviously, none of these marriages were perfect. But the
above qualities, when working in concert with both partners,
would seem to be the glue holding them together. They are also
qualities we can apply to any relationship we have with another
individual where permanence would seem to be a worthwhile goal.
Of course, getting divorced is not always the wrong thing to
do. Sometimes there is no other choice. We probably all know
people who stay together and seem to do little but destroy each
other's happiness. Abusive relationships, alcoholism or drugs,
extra-marital sex, and other major issues can mean the
relationship cannot work and will not ever work and perhaps it
never did work. Each of us, in the end, must know where and
when to draw the line.
In the end marriage, as in any dyadic (two person) relationship,
it takes two to build it up and only one to tear it down. Which
is why
taking personal, individual, responsibility for what you do and
who
you are, as well as what you bring to the relationship, is so
critical.
If you both do it keeping the above themes in mind, your chances
of
long-term success should be much better.
___________________
Note: Just because someone says divorce rates hover around
fifty percent does not mean half of married people will divorce.
The statistics are based on the number of marriages vs the
number of divorces. Significantly in relation to the above
article, this means the more times someone gets divorced, the
more likely the person is to be divorced. It gets easier as one
gets used to it, I guess. In reality, we see some people with
many divorces and many more with never being divorced at all.
There are many middle aged single people whose marriages have
ended through the death of a spouse. (back)
---------------------------
Rod Cowen of http://www.thefragmentedself.info hosts a depression
web site with dozens of articles focusing on productive ways
to think and do ourselves into better lifeworlds. Not just for
the depressed.
Personal development ebooks, articles, free downloads, lots of
helpful stuff.
Rod has also
started a newsletter! If you are
interested, send an email to
subscribe@thefragmentedself.info
and he'll send you the intro letter. It has depression as a theme--but
self-development (his and anyone else's willing to listen) is the main issue.
|
Are you being the person you
want your children to be?
Many parents today really try to be better parents than their parents were.
They attempt to be there for their children - to listen to them, support
them, spend time with them, as well as hold
and nurture them. Their children grow up feeling loved and valued by these
loving parents, yet often these same children struggle as adults in many
areas of their lives. I have numerous
clients who tell me that they had wonderful parents who truly loved and
nurtured them, yet these clients are struggling with their work, their
relationships, or their lives in general. Why is this?
The common issue is that their parents did not role model for them personal
responsibility for their own feelings, needs, and physical health. They did
not teach them through their own
behavior how to take good care of themselves physically or emotionally.
So, what are you teaching your children through your own behavior? Do you
role model following your passions, or do you spend your spare time watching
TV? Do you role model taking good care of your health, or do you smoke
cigarettes, eat badly and get little exercise? Do you have a spiritual
practice that is meaningful to you and moves you into your heart, or do you
stay mostly in your head? Do you have a process for managing your conflicts
with others, or do you tend to withdraw, get angry, resist or comply as a
way to control or avoid conflict? Do your children see you avoiding life's
difficulties with alcohol, drugs, gambling, spending, TV or other addictive
behavior, or learning from life's challenges? Are you boring because you
just try to be safe and maintain the status quo, or do you extend yourself
and take some risks that result in aliveness and vitality?
A client of mine was recently struggling with the lack of passion in her
life. I asked her if her parents were passionate about anything. "No," she
said. "The smoked constantly, drank beer,
and watched TV. They were nice to me, but they were both sick a lot and both
died at young ages. I never saw either of them excited about anything." This
woman in her late forties had no
idea of how to discover her passions and her life felt dead to her. Her
husband had expressed a lack of interest in her because he actually found
her to be boring, and was no longer sexually
interested in her. This is what brought her to work with me.
Let's take the role modeling a little further. Are you honest, or do you let
your children think it's okay to withhold the truth or even lie outright. Do
you role model integrity, or do you behave in ways that you would not want
announced in a newspaper? Do you stand up for yourself, or do you let others
walk all over you? Do you tolerate abusive situations or do your children
see you take action in your own behalf?
It's very important to realize that, while being there for your children is
vital, it is only half of good parenting. The other half is being there for
yourself with honesty, courage and integrity. It's
not enough to treat your children with love. You need to treat yourself with
love as well if you want your children to grow up knowing how to take loving
care of themselves.
If your parents did not role model treating themselves lovingly, the chances
are you don't know how to do it for yourself. Treating yourself lovingly is
something that is a learned skill. The six-step Inner Bonding process (see
our FREE course at
www.innerbonding.com ) was developed specifically for this purpose. The
best thing you can do for yourself and your children
is learn these six powerful steps and practice them on a daily basis. Your
children will naturally learn how to take responsibility for themselves -
for their health and emotional well-being - as
you learn to do this for yourself. Give yourself and your children the gift
of the joy that comes from truly loving yourself!
----------------------------------------------
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have
To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness", "Inner
Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com. |
Affirmation Course... to be all you can
|
Fathers, you have a special
place in your children's lives. Children whose fathers take an active part
in their daily lives tend to be well adjusted and better equipped for
success. It's not easy being a father, but don't think that you aren't as
important as the mother. Your roles may not always be the same, but your
interest in your children can make a SIGNIFICANT difference. Be proud of
your responsibilities and your efforts. Children don't need perfect fathers;
they need caring and involved fathers. With that in mind here are some "Must
Know" tips that every dad should practice to be a successful father.
TIP #1. SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN EVERY DAY
Spend time with your children each and every day. Even when you are out of
town on a business trip you need to pick up the phone and talk to them. When
you talk to your children try not to ask them questions that are answered
with "Yes" and "No". Instead, try asking them questions that require
detailed answers. For example: What did you learn in school today? What
games did you play at recess? What is your favorite television show? Why?
When you think about college what subjects really interest you? I pray with
my children every night
before they go to sleep at night. In my prayers I verbally encourage them as
I pray by letting them know how much I love them and what characteristics I
treasure in each of them. Whether it's in the morning, before you head to
work, or in the evening after your workday is over you must spend time with
them. Doing something that they want to do is a great way of letting them
know you care about what's important to them. That might even mean learning
what
Pokemon is all about and how to play the game. Hint: It's a complicated
version of "Rock, Paper, and Scissors."
TIP #2. LEARN TO VALUE WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOUR CHILD
Your child is unique. If you have more than one child you understand how
different each one of them is from the other. As they grow older they begin
to develop different interest in the world around them. As fathers we
sometimes get so distracted by our own world that we
overlook the detailed world of our children. Only recently have I learned
how to play "dolls" with my 3-year-old daughter. But it is so very important
to her. When she wants to play dolls with me it is a fantastic opportunity
for me, her father, to learn a lot about what is important to her. Playing
dolls requires my getting down on the floor with her and experiencing the
entire world from here perspective. Nothing says I care and love you more
than when you
participate in the seemingly trivial world of your children. We fathers have
forgotten what being a child was like and consequently we forgotten what's
important to our children. I challenge you
right now to make a list of 3 things you can do with your child(ren) that
they enjoy doing. If playing remote control cars is important to your son or
daughter ask if you can join with them. If playing a computer or video game
is important to your son or daughter learn the game and
ask to join them next time they play. Ask them to teach you some of
the rules of the game. And remember just because you may be better doesn't
mean you always have to win.
TIP #3. COMMUNICATE WITH CARE
Sometimes we fathers get too caught up in our own busy lives. We don't pay
enough attention to our kids when we talk to them. Doesn't it bother you
when you are talking to your kids and they are staring at the television or
playing with their video game? Wouldn't it make you feel like you mattered
if they gave you their full attention? Next time you engage your children in
a conversation try looking directly at your children when they respond back
to you. Let them
know that what they have to say is important. This is a very tough practice
to achieve because we men, generally speaking, get very focused on what we
are doing. If possible try doing this every day for a week.
You will be able to gain your children's trust by listening to them when
they come to you with a problem and your children will welcome your
guidance. But, don't confuse communicating with care with lecturing.
Lecturing has its place but your kids will not see it for honest, open
communication. You must be honest with your children; admit your mistakes
and teach your children the importance of taking responsibility and making
amends. When they see you acting on your own advice it will be so much
easier for them to adhere to your wishes.
TIP #4. TELL YOUR KIDS YOUR STORY
Tell your story. Your history, and that of your parents and your own family,
can be interesting to your child. A young child often feels the world began
at his/her birth. By reflecting on your past, you provide your child with
the intriguing sense of history and of past generations. You need not tell
all the details of your history, but only those which leave your child with
the feeling that you too were once a child and you grew up and became an
involved father. All of your life experiences are only useful if your kids
know that you are being open and honest with them. If they know you've been
open and honest with them they will be able to come to you with questions
about their own lives. But, if they feel they can't come to you with their
problems they may receive inappropriate answers from other people. Make your
life an open book.
TIP #5. EDUCATE YOUR KIDS THROUGH INVOLVEMENT
Remember that you are your children's role model. Your kids are looking to
you to learn how a responsible and mature adult acts. Do chores around the
house with your children, make them feel good about helping you and teach
them that men also share household duties. Encourage your children to think
for themselves. Guide and help them with their decision making process and
then stand back and watch them do it themselves. Do all of this while they
are young and you can still make an impression on their minds. Don't wait
until they get older. Each day is a new opportunity to teach your child.
Don't let time rob you of the moment and don't let someone else steal that
privilege from you.
TIP #6. PUT PARENTING FIRST AND USE YOUR TIME WISELY
As a father you must put your responsibility to your kids first. That means
nothing else is more important than being daddy. Not your job. Not your
hobbies. Not watching sports on television. Your kids are first and
foremost. This is hard to do in a world with so many
competing demands and attractions. To be a great father you must consciously
plan and devote time to being with your children making it your top
priority.
In order to make your children your priority you will need to review how you
spend the hours and days of your week. Think about the amount of time your
children spend with you. Plan how you can weave your children into your
social life and knit yourself into their lives.
Instead of leaving them at home take them with you to the supermarket.
Observe how they interact with you in different settings. Most fathers
rarely experience the full potential range of
emotions with their children because they seldom see them anywhere but at
home or at an athletic event. Both of these are great places to interact
with you children but your children are so much more complex.
TIP #7. REDUCE ANGER BY UNDERSTANDING YOUR OWN TRIGGER POINTS
Anger. It's very real. It's very normal. Everyone experiences it. But what
causes you to feel angry? As a father if you are able to identify those
things that your children do that make you angry you will be more readily
equipped to extinguish the flames before you ignite. Do you know what I
mean? I know for example that one of my trigger points is when I feel out of
control. There are a number of things that I could do to prevent the
chaos but none of them really solve the problem. The real problem is not,
for example, the fact that the kids are dumping toys on the floor and making
a mess. The real problem is my expectation of the situation. I want the kids
to act like little angels. But, how realistic is that from a 2 and 3 year
old? I feel out of control and frustrated. Frustration turns to anger and
anger to hurt feelings.
However, you can find ways to express your anger that doesn't hurt,
belittle, or insult your children. Anger in its destructive form can make a
child's misbehavior worse. If you control your reaction to something your
child does, the behavior will stop sooner, won't last as long, or be as
severe. Both you and your child will feel better about how you handled the
situation. This does not mean that you shouldn't get angry when your child
misbehaves. Children need to understand that their behavior upsets you. Most
importantly, they need to understand why you are upset. For example, if your
child lost a pair of scissors, you need to say, "I'm upset because I need
those scissors for my sewing project," rather than name calling. All
children will misbehave and anger is inevitable. If you are having trouble
handling your anger, here are a series of techniques to help you keep calm
and plan your reaction to their behavior.
• Calm yourself. Count to ten very slowly. Concentrate on the counting,
regardless of what your child is doing.
• Put your hands in your
pockets to help you resist the urge to use them to threaten or hit your
child.
• Take a deep breath and let
it out slowly. Pretend you are releasing steam from your body.
• Get away from the
situation. Go into another room or take a walk. This gives both you
and your child some time to cool off.
• Talk with your partner, a
close friend, or a relative. Talking it through will help you develop
creative ideas for dealing with the situation.
• Take time to think about
how you're reacting to the situation. Why are you angry with your child? Is
the child misbehaving because he wants attention, is angry himself, feels
discouraged, frustrated, or does not have his needs met?
TIP #8. NEW FATHERS…TAKE TIME OFF FOR YOUR NEW BABY
If you are a first time or new father you should plan on taking time off
from work before your new baby arrives. If possible, take paternity leave.
Most new fathers have access to some form of leave, but only a small
percentage actually takes advantage of it. Your baby will only be a newborn
for a month. Nearly anything can be put on hold for a couple of weeks. If
the blessed event has already occurred and you haven't already done so plan
to take a week off from work
to spend with your newborn child. The best advice for new dads is to get
your hands on your baby as soon as, and as often as, possible. Through the
process of directly caring for your infant you will learn what your baby
needs, how he or she communicates, and what comforting techniques work best.
Don't (I repeat) Do not leave this responsibility to the childs mother. You
are a dad now.
Try to spend time alone with your baby. Create opportunities where you are
the sole care giver. Invite your wife to spend time doing something with her
friends or simply offer her some time alone. This will allow you and baby to
get to know each other. It will also help you learn the "language" your baby
uses to communicate his or her basic needs. Giving your child expressed
breast milk or canned formula provides you with the opportunity to feed and
nurture your
baby. The bond you are developing with your child through your interactions,
touch, and care giving is the foundation upon which your father-child
relationship will be built. The time you spend with your baby now, will make
you a more effective parent in the future.
TIP #9. LEARN TO HUG, KISS AND TOUCH YOUR CHILDREN
I know, I know…for some of us dads this will be like pulling teeth. But as
their father if you want to communicate love and acceptance to your kids so
that they will know they are loved then you've got to be willing to pull
them close and hug them. If you were never touched
(in an appropriate, compassionate way) by your own father it may be
difficult for you to touch your own children. It gets even more difficult
when, for example, our young daughters become adolescents. So, the best time
to lay groundwork for good touch is from our child's birth all the way
through her childhood. We fathers should change diapers and clothes, burp,
rock and tickle our babies and young children – there are thousands of
opportunities (even in the
most mundane tasks) to lovingly touch our children. As your children grows
these activities can be as simple as starting a pillow fight; grooming the
dog or building something together; lying side by side in a hammock to look
at the stars; or taking dad-and-daughter dance lessons.
Our kids need our fatherly affection, no matter what their ages.
Good touch is physical
affection that: • comforts them • affirms them as a person • supports them •
respects and is sensitive to their person and their boundaries • is given
with their permission • is given freely, with nothing expected in exchange •
helps them feel strong, lovable and able to delight in themselves and...• is
not sexual.
TIP #10. FATHERHOOD IS NOT ABOUT YOU
I know this one is hard to hear. But it's true. It's time for you as a
father to get over yourself: life no longer revolves around you and your
needs. I've "discovered" that being a father is not about my getting my
needs met. Being a father is all about my kids and meeting their needs. This
doesn't mean catering to their every whim. But in the course of everyday
events your children's needs should come before your own. Sure, you need to
take time for yourself. Every father needs time to recharge his batteries.
But, the sooner we, as fathers, learn to put aside our own needs the sooner
we will begin to establish the kind of relationship our children long to
have from us. What does that mean? It doesn't matter whether you are a first
time father, divorced father, stepfather, or a stay at home father. I know
that every parenting situation brings with it a unique set of
circumstances but in the end fatherhood means less of you and more of
them. But the rewards, oh the rewards can last a lifetime. Learn to enjoy
and spend time with your children. You'll only have them for a short time.
So come on Dad, enjoy your fatherhood.
================================================================
Mike Farrell and his wife Dawn have been married for 11 years. They
have three children: 2 boys and 1 girl: Jonathan (8), Meg (4) and
Luke (3). A graduate from Boise State University in 1991, Mike has a
B.A. in English. A native of Idaho, Mike works as a professional in
Information Technology. But his real passion is with his family. Mike
is the owner, operator and Senior Editor at:
http://Fatherville.com
If you like this article please tell another father:
http://www.fatherville.com/recommend_fatherville.shtml
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Words simultaneously reflect and reinforce our attitudes and perceptions;
words shape our world. Many "disability labels" evoke feelings and imagery
that perpetuate archaic and negative stereotypical perceptions. In turn,
these perceptions create a powerful attitudinal barrier, which is the
greatest obstacle to the success and inclusion of individuals who have been
labeled.
Using People First Language (PFL) is a step in the right direction. For
example, using PFL, we put the person before the disability and use more
respectful terminology as in, "He has a cognitive disability," instead of,
"He's retarded." (Visit
www.disabilityisnatural.com to download the PFL article.) Many of us are
consigning stigma-laden personal descriptors to the junk heap, such as "high
(or "low") functioning," "developmental age," "wheelchair bound," and
others. But one term---"special needs"---continues to be embraced by many.
Because this descriptor is so commonly used, we seldom consider what message
it sends or what image it evokes.
"Special needs" is a loaded descriptor that has done nothing to improve
perceptions and everything to reinforce negative images. As a parent, I once
used this term to describe my son when he was very young. Why not? That's
what I heard coming out of the mouths of many: other parents, as well as
therapists, educators, and others. But I stopped saying this years ago when
I realized it's a descriptor that generates pity. Tell a new acquaintance,
"My child has
'special needs'." The response is predictable: a sad, "Ohhh..." accompanied
by a
sympathetic pat on the arm. Worse, some even add, "I'm so sorry..." And this
conversation often takes place in front of the child! What must it feel like
to be the object of pity, especially when it's generated by the words of
your own parent or someone else who professes to care about you?
Adults with developmental disabilities are our greatest teachers. I've
never met one who likes "special needs." They vehemently describe disliking
the "special" label as children, and they absolutely detest it as adults.
When I share this information during presentations, many parents defend
their use of the term and add, "But don't all children have 'special
needs'?" or "Aren't all children 'special'?" I might agree if the term had
positive connotations and if we really meant "special." But it doesn't and
we don't.
Once we use the "special needs" label, we stop thinking about an individual
child and our ingrained assumptions take over. "Oh, yes, we know about those
'special needs' kids..." And at that point, we effectively rob a child of
opportunities and put limits on her potential.
First, we've stripped her of the opportunity to define herself; what child
can defend herself against the words and actions of her parents, teachers,
and others? Second, we continue our robber baron ways by stealing
opportunities for the child to lead a typical life. When applied to children
and adults with disabilities, the "special" descriptor frequently---and
almost automatically---leads to segregation! If we say a child has "special
needs," then by extension, she must need "special (segregated) ed,"
"special" activities, and "special" environments. If she has "special needs"
then she must not be "regular," and is therefore not entitled to participate
in "regular" (typical) activities or live a Real Life. Too often, "special"
has become a metaphor for
"segregated."
A parent may believe that her child can and should be included in school and
the community. But if she uses "special needs" when describing her child to
others, they may believe that inclusion isn't an option---only a "special"
environment will do. Labeling a child with the "special needs" descriptor
puts her in a box---a box of our making, a box she never asked to be put
into, and a box that limits hopes, dreams, high expectations, opportunities,
and more.
Many educators admit that they routinely have low expectations for children
who are labeled with "special needs."
If our society believed children with "special needs" were really special,
wouldn't every parent dream of having a "child with special needs?" But the
opposite is true: our society so devalues children with disabilities that
identifying and aborting them before they're even born is recommended by
many health care professionals, and practiced by many parents. And within
the adoption world, "special needs children" are often at the bottom of the
list of "desirable children." So, again, just how special are children with
"special needs?" Isn't the term actually a harmful euphemism which means
just the opposite?
What do we really mean by "special needs" anyway? Like other disability
descriptors, it may initially apply to one aspect of a person's life (a
medical condition), but it quickly defines every aspect of a person like a
terrible, dark shroud. Some people use the longer descriptor: "children with
special health care needs." What makes one type of health care needs
different or more
"special" from another? Where, exactly, is the dividing line between
"regular" health care needs and "special" health care needs? Who made this
rule? Is this written somewhere? Do children with disabilities go to
"special needs doctors" or "special needs hospitals?" I don't think so!
During visits to my son's pediatric orthopedic physician, we saw children
who had permanent physical disabilities and others with broken legs or arms.
Does the child with a developmental disability have "special needs," but the
child with a broken leg has "regular needs?"
If we use the "special health care needs" descriptor with legislators or
policymakers, don't we need to explain what we really mean, or is the
"special needs" imagery ("those poor, pitiful children") so deeply implanted
in people's minds that it's assumed we know who and what we're talking
about? A child might need a specific type of health care services, a
wheelchair, or other
types of support, accommodations, or assistive technology. And these may be
different from the needs of a majority of children. But what makes these
needs "special?" They're not "special" to the child. They are, in fact,
perfectly ordinary needs for him. Calling my son's needs "special" because
he needs a power wheelchair for effective mobility and I don't (at the
present time) is an arrogant judgment call on my part.
What about the "special ed students" descriptor? In one school district's
report on its "inclusive practices," the terms "special education students"
or "special needs students" littered every page. The very use of these terms
contradicted the thesis of the report: that students with disabilities were
"included." Exclusion and marginalization always begin with the language we
use and the mental images evoked by our words. In schools that are truly
inclusive, students who receive special education services are "students,"
first.
Who really benefits from the "special needs" label? Certainly not the
children or adults who have been labeled! They've been set apart and, thus,
marginalized. Supporters of this descriptor can argue that saying "children
with special needs" was necessary when advocating for certain laws,
programs, or services. However, the same outcomes could have been achieved
without the use of this pejorative term. In too many instances, we have
chosen to use "special needs" in order to gain our objectives (because it
evokes powerful emotions), but at what price to those who have been labeled?
"Special needs" is everywhere! The term is used by many organizations, it's
on hundreds of websites, and it's one of the best terms for pulling at
heartstrings! Want to raise money for your organization? Promote it as a
fundraiser for "special needs kids," consider the imagery ("those poor,
pitiful children"), and watch the dollars roll in. But again, at what price
to the children
who have been saddled with this sympathy-laden term?
Have we ever wondered how this descriptor might impact other children in the
family? A brother might think, "If Mom says Katie is 'special,' what does
that make me? Does Mom love her more?" The label can breed resentment and
anger. But as the brother grows, he'll probably realize he doesn't want to
be "special," especially if his "special" sister is marginalized, excluded,
and pitied.
Far from being a compliment or an accurate term, "special needs" is a
pejorative descriptor that creates a powerful attitudinal barrier to the
inclusion of people who have been labeled. When using People First Language,
we put the person first and also replace antiquated descriptors with words
that are more respectful and accurate. But there is no singular replacement
term for "special needs."
We can, however, use a variety of different descriptors, depending on the
situation. In schools---and when it's appropriate---we can say "students who
receive special ed services" (that's what it's supposed to be: services
brought to the student, instead of making the student go to where the
services are located). And we can use the generic, "children with
disabilities" or the specific, "A child with (the name of the medical
diagnosis)," when appropriate. But the use of any label should be restricted
to specific times and places (at an IEP meeting, the doctor's office, etc.).
Labels are, after all, simply medical diagnoses, and just as most of us
don't share personal information such as medical diagnoses with every Tom,
Dick, and Harry, we shouldn't be sharing the personal information of
children and adults who have been labeled unless it's
absolutely necessary, under certain circumstances, and with the permission
of the person!
If we're serious about exploding disability myths and creating an inclusive
society, do we dare set one group apart with the "special" descriptor? Shall
we continue to perpetuate pity and marginalize people by using this label?
Isn't it time to stop calling people names which they never chose to use
about themselves? When we change our language, we change perceptions and
attitudes. And when the Great Wall of attitudinal barriers falls, other
barriers will also come tumbling down. Are the words you're using promoting
a positive or negative image? Are they propping up the Great Wall of harmful
perceptions or helping to tear it down? |
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----------------------------------------------------------
The Disability is Natural Free Press
November 2003 © by Kathie Snow
http://www.disabilityisnatural.com
Kathie Snow is the author of "Disability is Natural:
Revolutionary Common Sense for Raising Successful Children with
Disabilities" and a zealous promoter of new ways of thinking about
children and adults with disabilities. |
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"Mom! Don't come in the shower when I am in here." "Dad, I'm too old for
hats and balloons on my birthday." "Mom, I can walk to school. You don't
need to drive me anymore." These are just some of the things children say to
us as they grow older. What they are really telling us, beneath the spoken
words, are that the family is facing new CHANGES. Changes that will require
all members to ACCOMMODATE to if the families are to stay healthy.
CHANGE HAPPENS EVERY DAY
Changes come in all types. There are the common, typical changes that every
family must go through. They are common because time, and its passing, is
common to us all. You wouldn't let your two year old play outside
unsupervised but at six you might. You wouldn't let your six-
year-old walk to the mall but you might let your sixteen-year-old. These
changes related to kids GROWING UP are developmentally healthy and for the
most part, are handled by families well. More important but still common
changes occur when a family member takes on a new
ROLE. It's like a promotion or a job change. A man or woman becomes a
spouse. A spouse becomes a parent. A parent becomes a grandparent.
DIFFICULT CHANGES
Time waits for no one and ignores no one. We are all swept along with the
changes it brings. When the change is normal, the winds of change are like a
gentle breeze. But it can also bring dark, unpleasant STORMS of change.
These storms can rip a family apart. Spouses can
become single parents. Grandparents can parent again (if they take on the
chore of raising their grandchildren). Children may find themselves
parentless or become parents while still a child as in the case of teen
pregnancies. Whether your family is flowing with the standard currents of
change or suffering the ravages of a tempest, here are some general
principles for family survival:
EXPECT CHANGE
As we have already mentioned, change is normal. Why are you so SURPRISED
that your child doesn't want you coming into the shower when he is in there?
Although parents know this time will come, they live in DENIAL. They want to
believe that he will always be a little boy. They talk of the "good times"
when little Johnny needed help taking a bath or would run naked around the
house when he was only two (to the embarrassment of Johnny). What growing
child wants his parents to box him in with words and stories of the past
when the future is calling?
Fortunately for parents, teens are REBELLIOUS. Rebellion can be a SIGNAL to
parents that change is blowing and the child, not the parents, is moving
with it. The trouble is that teens speak their mind, instead of speaking up,
about their wants and needs. This gives them a reputation of defiance and
opposition. What if it was really the parents who are rebellious as they
defy time and oppose change. Perhaps the child is the submissive one, giving
himself or herself over to the movements of time while the parent is stuck
in the mud of denial.
TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME
It would be nice if life was like families seen on television. Television
families experience a problem and its solution in under an hour. In real
life, it takes a little longer. But change can take
place in small steps that lead to solutions quickly, without the television
drama. The first step is to watch for the signals of change. They will occur
in the emotional INTERACTIONS between family members. Okay, they may be more
like sparks than signals, but they are clear indicators that members must do
something new.
The next step is to COMMUNICATE. Parents tire of trite suggestions like
"communicating with your child." But they are our safe islands when stormy
winds of change blow. Falling back on the tried and true (and trite)
suggestions of communicating are what get us safely through the tough times.
Communicate means to LISTEN to your child when they tell you they can walk
to school on their own. It means SPEAK up and tell your child that you hear
their need for independence. The more a child appears "rebellious" the more
a parent needs to listen. This will allow a real dialogue to occur between
parent and child, where family members speak up and listen to each other
interchangeably.
GET HELP
Families don't need to go through changes, normal or stormy, without some
help. Help can come from within the family or from without. Mom can ask dad
for advice and dad can look to mom for support. Family MEETINGS can resolve
issues much quicker than endless power
struggles. Consult with extended family members, who have seen storms come
and go.
If family members are unable, unwilling, or unavailable for help, go to
OUTSIDE resources. Every community has agencies that help families. Find out
who those agencies are and ask for help. "Waiting out the storm" may leave
families devastated. Change is stress and support is its buffer. Relatives,
friends, and professionals SHELTER families from the storms of change. It is
much easier to deal with a cranky child when there is someone to talk to or
take over. Family
therapy is much cheaper than paying divorce lawyers. Asking the local church
or synagogue for help is less invasive than calling the police to deal with
domestic violence or out-of-control children.
REINFORCE THE FOUNDATIONS
In order for a home to withstand the winds of change, it will require a firm
foundation. The foundation in the family is the PARENTS. A weak foundation
will crumble under the stress of change. A solid foundation will be keep a
home intact, although shaken and showing some wear and tear. But it will
stand. Parents must take a stand together. More importantly, they must take
time TOGETHER.
Remember what it was like before children? Parents enjoyed one another. They
spent time together. They knew and desired to know more about one another.
Then the blessed event occurs -- baby! Life suddenly changes the family --
both its quantity and its quality -- for better and worse. Add more
children, a few bills, and a chaotic routine of work and family life and you
have a foundation of marriage that is bound to SUFFER. Entropy (nature's
word for change over time) takes place. In marriage it has been called
boredom, lack of interest, or personality differences. The solution is to
pay some attention to the relationship -- a little REPAIRING of the
foundation -- a little pairing up as a couple. If time and change can wear a
relationship down, time and change (with a conscious blueprint) can build it
up again.
MAKING ROOM
That brings parents to the next principle -- making room for a child in the
family. Making room refers to a having a NEW or next child, as well as
making room for the child to GROW and stretch his or her wings. Families
with new babies will need to establish new roles. Parents will have to learn
the art, the battle, the teamwork of sharing the leadership roles and daily
responsibilities.
Families with older children will need to work COOPERATIVELY to avoid the
old "divide and conquer" routine older children love so much. Parents still
need to exercise their leadership role but now must weather the frightening
process of making room for the teenager to operate in and out of the family.
A shifting of identity will take place as the child gets older -- for both
the parents and the child. The parent will not "be needed" by the older
child or so it will seem. The child will seek out his or her own way in life
out from under the protection of the home.
REFOCUS YOUR LIFE
As children become adults, parents must refocus their life on themselves,
careers, marriage, aging parents, and their own aging. We call this the
EMPTY NEST. Momma and poppa birds just have each other now. They can retreat
from one another squawking their loss across
the painful, empty spaces, in the nest and in their hearts. Marriage
partners may look at each other as birds of another feather after so many
years tending the nest and the children. They may have lost the old dreams
in the busyness -- and the business -- of life. Hidden resentments and hurts
will come up if they have not been dealt with before simply because now
there is space for it to come up.
Or a new FOCUS can take place where new roles and emphases are created or
rediscovered. They can fly off on new adventures together outside the nest.
Flying means coasting on the winds of change and it will involve the risk of
a storm or two along the way. These storms
may include the caring for and death of their own parents, the grandparents.
It may mean a loss of work and physical health themselves. It may mean
playing the new role as the grandparent bird as new changelings hatch and
grow.
A NEW WAY TO SEE YOUR KIDS
Parents must look at children as EQUALS. Children are now adults with
families of their own. The old roles as caretaker are modified into
supporters and CONSULTANTS on family life for the next generation. This is
the time to read the patterns on the horizon. To study the weather of change
and pass the information on to the next generation so they can cope with the
winds of change in their family.
So when your child tells you they don't need your help or they are
embarrassed to be seen with you in front of their friends, smile, and let
the winds of change blow through your hair. If the storms of change pummel
you with hail and lightening, seek cover in your family sanctuary, snuggle
into the nest, and know that it is just life reminding you that change is
needed. Or, if the nest is empty, look on the horizon to where you will fly
to next, not at the worn, familiar spaces of the nest. Tomorrow the sun will
shine and the winds of change will blow on by.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ron Huxley is the author of the book "Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in
Parenting." Visit his website at
http://parentingtoolbox.com or contact him at
rehuxley@parentingtoolbox.com
and get expert advice on anger management, mental health, and parenting
issues.
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